I am now at about 15k / 240k of Shard, and I’m at the point where I can’t go on without some serious planning of the history and all that. I already have many snippets of history of Jack’s world and I more or less know what happens, but I need to organize it. The problem is that in all the previous drafts, he was thousands of years old, as was Elizabeth, and now they’re not, which cuts so much of everything I worked so hard on out of the picture.
Wait. A second.
I kind of feel like hitting myself in the eye right now. Scratch half of what I just said. I have the whole history up to where I am now, more or less, so I just need to fill in the gaps (build bridges and so on), and they are still thousands of years old. Also, maybe I should ramble about this more often on the ‘net, since it apparently helps me to get my horribly scattered thoughts in order. The trilogy idea is working out very well, by the way. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before. I’m not by any means Tolkien, oh my word, but this is the only analogy I can think of on the spur of the moment, so: imagine trying to shove all of The Lord of the Rings into one, three hundred-page book. It kind of hurts your brain, doesn’t it? Well.
So. On a very different note. Anyone who has been reading my blog or who remotely knows anything about me knows that this is true: I am not perfect. I am fickle, I am often self-centered, and I lack discipline. I make goals and don’t reach them, I say things and don’t do them, I remember all the wrong things and forget the things I should remember. My faith is mediocre, my head is much too big for me, I have several large planks in my eyes but still think I can see well enough to pick out the splinters in others’. I’m pretty sure I’m one of the outside-of-the-glass-is-clean-but-the-inside-is-dirty people. I don’t appreciate my friends the way I should, I’m horrible at replying to messages, and I even forget birthdays. I am not who you want to try to be.
But for all my faults, I do know this: it is not written anywhere that I am, or that any of us are, supposed to be perfect from the get-go, or even when we die. The sooner I realize that for the rest of my life I will be a work in progress, the better. The sooner I make peace with the fact that I am and will always be far from perfect, the sooner I can live in that peace. This is not to let us off the hook, that we don’t have to try anymore; I don’t mean to try and justify my shortcomings. All I’m saying is God does not expect that we will be perfect; He expects us to love Him. And when we can’t do even that, He still loves us.