I’d Rather Pick Fights Instead of Flowers

I have a problem with marriage.

In theory, yay! But if I think about it in any kind of depth it makes my stomach all twisty and I kind of feel like either clawing my eyes out or running off into the desert and hiding my head in the sand. And, okay, I’m 19, so that might be partly why…but because I don’t like it when I can’t figure out why I feel a certain way, I’ve been trying to figure this out for what shockingly adds up to a few years, and now I think I’ve figured out the main reason for this.

Maybe some godly women who have it all together (do you exist, oh great ones?) can help me out with this one. How do you find the balance between the stereotypical-but-possibly-in-fact-what-God-wants picture of what a woman should be, and the reality, which is that I freaking don’t necessarily WANT to cook or clean or, one day, say yes and amen to everything The Husband says. The fact that I disagree and, often, disagree based on what I read in the Bible/believe God is saying does not change because I’m wearing a ring on my finger, you know? The fact that I have my own calling that is mine and that might involve a lot of travel and craziness and instability does not change because I decide to love another person for the rest of my life, even when I don’t. I will always have an opinion, I will always think I’m right, I will always be a writer who needs a LOT of time to myself, I will always keep praying and presumably keep hearing from God, and I will always say what I think. Women happen to also get tired and don’t feel like being the picture of purity and grace 24/7, and we most definitely don’t feel like spending our time going “Yes, Oh Great One Who Is Also A Human But Who I Must Treat As My Master And King Just Because I Married You.”

So how does this all work? Because I have to say, I’m having issues. I know we shouldn’t get hung up on the small stuff, but this kind of isn’t small. What about 1 Corinthians 11:8-10: “For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. For this reason, and because of the angels, the woman ought to have a sign of authority on her head.”

Or what about 1 Corinthians 14:34-35: “…women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.”

Some people put these verses down to cultural differences, but then you have to ask what else should be put down to cultural differences, and that could go on forever. Other people just kind of skim over this and don’t really talk about it. Other people totally reject these verses, but that’s not going to work for me, because the Bible and everything in it is true, regardless of who does or does not believe that. So how to reconcile the fact that I believe this, and also believe that men and women are equal, that marriage is a partnership as opposed to a dog-owner relationship? I mean, did I just totally miss the mark here? I’m not trying to pick a fight here, I genuinely want to know. Like I said, I believe the Bible is true and is God-breathed…I just sometimes have trouble deciphering what the breath was saying. If anything’s going to go, it’s going to be my lowly little human opinion, and not the Bible. Any input would be MUCH appreciated. If you’d rather keep your comments private you can email me at africanstardust@gmail.com.

4 thoughts on “I’d Rather Pick Fights Instead of Flowers”

  1. I probably can’t say anything you haven’t already heard but I’ll give it a shot.

    Men aren’t women’s ‘god’. The way I see it is that we have different roles, different strengths and weaknesses, probably one of means strengths is leadership, and therefore, man is head. I thought about it long and hard before and it sounds like woman is being undermined here (everything else is bellow your head right), but it’s not, your heart is just as important. I think a man can only be the leader he is because of his wife, she empowers him in a sense, it’s so complicated but I honestly think that a husband and wife are one. The Bible also says that a husband belongs to his wife, vice versa, if you want, just reword that and tell your husband (hypothetically) “I own you!” 🙂 Also, if you don’t like cooking and cleaning, do it together or get a maid…i think those “chores” have nothing to do with what the bible says, they’re just cultural stuff that maybe worked for a while but are not law carved in stone. Also, about your calling, marry someone with the same/similar/compatible calling…problem solved. All these things that you want to do, freedom, alone time, travel etc etc…I seriously don’t see anything wrong with it. Go for it, the right guy will be cool.

    As for 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 and 1 Corinthians 11:8-10. Well it is partly cultural, along with a lot of other stuff, but it’s still cultural. Remember, the authors of the Bible were writing to address specific things right then and there, I doubt that they had the 21st century ladies in mind. I suggest reading a commentary on the verse otherwise I’ll ramble on for ages. I’m not saying the verse means nothing, but it said something back then and we need to figure out 1. What does it mean for you now and 2. What are its applications?

    Marriage is like…Jesus’ relationship with God. In a sense. Some of Jesus’ last words were “may they be one as we are one”, yes he was talking about all Christians…but I bet it starts at home. Forget the world and what society says or doesn’t say, Marriage is super awesome. Two is better than one. Get the right person and its gonna be like an undefeatable tag team mach against the world. Ya your husband will be the head of the family and make the final decision, but YOU will be the one leading him to make that decision. He doesn’t do it alone. It’s a relationship, the closest type you get. And I’m not saying all this good stuff because I’m a guy so I’m gonna get to be “boss” someday…I say it because I can’t wait to love someone so much that all this stuff looks silly.

    Well…sorry for the long reply, you asked a lot of questions and said a lot of stuff I had to reply to 🙂 So it’s your fault 😛 So apology retracted. Lol. It’s late.


  2. Wow, seriously thank you…I mean, I’ve heard it, but not all in one place and concise and jazz (and, you know, in a way that actually makes sense). I’ll definitely check out some commentaries on the verses, but this all helps A LOT, thanks!


  3. I love that you are not afraid to express your thoughts/emotions/fears/doubts/joy whatever.
    I do pray that you will keep on search for answers and TRUTH. I also pray that you will one day experience the joy pf sharing your life with the very special person that will love you and let you live your life to the fullest.And visa versa.


  4. What follows is what I’ve found in my search for understanding of the same thing.

    Besides those verses from Corinthians, Ephesians 5:21-33 talks about marriage, describing it in terms of Christ’s love for the church. I came across some commentary (http://www.familylifecenter.net/article.asp?artId=185 – Watch out, it’s really long.) that brought up an interesting point. I can’t say it quite as fancily as the commentary does, but it goes like so: Christ became the groom of the church only by sacrificing himself on the cross. Since this union is the model for marriage, it follows that for the man to become the head of his wife, he must first sacrifice himself for her.

    Food for thought.


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