Oooookay. You may have noticed the longish blogging hiatus (at least compared to my usual…er…blog abundance). This was due to a few things, one of which being that because the semester ended I no longer had reason to procrastinate. However, the biggest reason is really kind of a terrible one. I don’t know why (well, I might know now), I don’t know how, and I don’t know exactly when, but apparently I was annoyed with God. Which makes NO sense. You’d think that if I was going to have some kind of spiritual crisis it would have been during the semester, right? Like, while suddenly (after living an admittedly sheltered life) surrounded by a shocking (for me) overabundance of NO authority immediately close to me whatsoever, and bombarded with having to align my own little one-person household to whatever set of values and morals I aligned it to, and making huge decisions I’ve never had to think about before, and so on. But no. For some really weird, and possibly stupid, and possibly non-existent reason, the second I was home and my friends who’d come with me went back to Cape Town, I hit a really huge, really broad speed bump.
At first I thought it was just the holiday mode or whatever. But then a horrendously long time passed and I realized that I really was actually annoyed. With God. I, Veronique, the tiny little insignificant speck of dirt and blood and organs whose life is pretty much NOTHING in the grand scheme of things, was annoyed with the God of the seas, the mountains, all life, the universe, and whatever lies beyond it. After everything He’s done for me with absolutely no reason to do it, and in fact with many reasons to smite me with the plague or fry me like onion rings (if I was even worth the oil He would need, which I’m not), and after guiding me and protecting me and helping me all semester, after EVERYTHING, I was annoyed with Him. I was possibly even angry with Him. No reading of Bible happened. Prayer actually happened more than usual for a few days, and then stopped dead.
I think I figured out why, too. As a side note, I only figured out why a few days after I grudgingly forced myself to read like half a Psalm and then started forcing myself to read a chapter every day. I don’t know how much I’ve talked about this, but since the very beginning of the semester, I’ve felt like a missionary. I mean, like a real one, not just an I-travel-with-my-parents-and-pretend-like-I-know-what-the-heck-being-a-real-missionary-is thing. I don’t know if I have a tattoo on my forehead that says “as me questions about Jesus,” but regardless, that’s what happened a lot, with a lot of people, without me initiating anything. And it was amazing, because I felt like that’s what I’d been waiting for, and I felt alive and like I was fulfilling part of my purpose. I’m not bold or outspoken except when with my very close friends, but it’s like God took hold my mouth and gave me the words to say and the courage to say it, like in Matthew 10. It kind of rocked, actually. And I became very tight with God, much more than before, and I could feel Him breaking down things in me and rebuilding them to be what HE wanted.
And then, because that’s the way of all flesh (the reference to death is on purpose), I somehow started thinking I could do it on my own. At which point I got burned out and impatient and critical and tired. At which point I got annoyed with God for letting me get tired out “doing what He wanted me to do.” At which point I acted like someone who’s never read a word in the Bible and totally ignored God.
So now I feel like I’m back at square one. But you know…I’m so, so glad, and it’s only because of His mercy that I’m at square one. He brought me back to the place where I want to submit to Him and follow Him with all my heart, and if I have to literally go back to the day I chose to follow Him, everything unlearned, to do that, then that’s fine. Because what point does my life have if not to live for Jesus Christ, the one who gave His life for mine? What reason do I have to live at all if not to serve and love Him, and to chase after Him, race after Him, give all my blood and sweat and breath and heartbeats for HIS glory, HIS honor, HIS name, HIS love, HIS grace, HIS will, HIM? Thank God He loves me enough to bring me back to this place instead of leaving me to go on as I wanted. And thank God “that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6. The best time to learn is when you realize you haven’t got a clue.