Aftermath

It’s been a week and a day since a man threw a rock at my head. No, it’s not so serious physically. Maybe I should be able to handle it better.

People ask me how I am. I’m fine. What else do you say? You’re not going to have a breakdown in front of Leslie Social on campus in the middle of the day. Because if I say how I really am, that’s what will happen. “I’m fine” is what I can get out without crying.

Oh yeah, I’m fantastic. I’m depressed all the time and I cry when I get home, and when I wake up. It was a spiritual attack more than anything, and yeah, I feel attacked. I apologize for not being made of steel or for being one of those people who can let it just roll off of them. I feel attacked. I feel every ounce of how much the enemy hates me and doesn’t want me here. Yes, I know, God is greater. I KNOW those things. My parents are missionaries, for goodness’ sake. How would I not know these things? I know that I’m an overcomer because of Jesus. I know I am victorious. I know that. And yet, here I sit on my bed, crying because I feel totally overwhelmed and like I’m drowning in all of this. “Pray for your emotions!” Thanks, I know. “Don’t let your emotions rule you!” Yeah. I know. “Don’t let the enemy accomplish what he wanted to.” Sorry. I’ll add that to my list of things to work on, including “Don’t be such a freaking failure.”

These are all things that pop into my own head. It’s easier to project them on other people, but actually everyone around me is being very supportive and understanding towards me, more than I am towards myself. I expect myself to just be fine, and to be able to handle it, and to be ok.

But I’m not ok, and that’s ok. I’m afraid to walk home from campus, and that’s ok. I’m depressed, and that’s ok. I’m tired all the time, and that’s ok. I’m behind with my academics, and that’s ok. I’m overwhelmed by everything, outward things and inward things, and that’s ok. I cry all the time, and that’s ok. And God knows, and He understands, and He knows how deeply this is affected me, and He doesn’t expect me to be made of steel because He more than anyone else knows how weak I am.

There, I said it: I am weak. I’m weak. I’m a wimp. That rock knocked whatever pride I had left out of me. I have nothing left that shows that I, on my own, am strong at all. I am a crying, snotty mess who is afraid to walk alone on Main Road in the middle of the day with people around. I have to ask God for strength to get out of bed, let alone do what I have to do that day. And you know what? That’s a good place to be. So even though I’m in a bad place (and no, I’m not ok at all) I know that God is strong for me. My faith in Him is not shaken. He protected me; something much worse could have happened that day, but He protected me. I didn’t even have a concussion. I’m not ok, and I’m weak, and that’s ok because He is strong. And eventually, maybe not anytime soon, but eventually, I’ll be ok again and I won’t feel like getting out of bed and getting dressed and leaving my flat takes an impossible amount of effort.

Thank you for your continued prayers. I need them.

10 thoughts on “Aftermath”

  1. Dis ok om nie ok te wees nie. Dis PTSD my liewe kind. Ons bid baie vir jou. ook dat jy deur hierdie vallei sal kom al is daar so baie klippe in die pas.

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  2. My liefste meisietjie! Veronique! Jy is dapper! jy is baie braaf….. die OK tyd sal kom, ons is so dankbaar jy het basically ongedeerd daarvan afgekom. Ons Hemelse Vader sal jou help om oor hierdie trauma te kom. Ons is trots op jou dat jy kan vertel hoe jy voel……… daarmee help jy baie ander mense wie dieselfde tipe trauma beleef het. Ons bid vir jou! dis ‘n belofte en baie dankie dat jy dit met ons deel. Baie liefde en sterkte vir jou, hou vas aan wat jy het! murg, agtergrond, bravade, jy is ‘n ster! tannie Drien

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  3. Snaaks genoeg, is jou eerlike post n Blessing! ek stem met een ding nie saam nie:jy mag weak wees, en dis OK en selfs goed. Maar jy is nie n wimp nie!
    Wat sê ek vir jou: want jy weet al hierdie dinge, maar na alles, gaan jy dit WEET met die ondervinding agter jou naam.Ek bid dat die vyand geensings able sal wees om verderr van jou te steel nie. ek bid dat elke skrif wat jy reeds ken sal lewendig word. Dat elke oggend wat jy opstaan, n nuwe oorwinning sal wees…met die gevoel in jou hart dat jy meer as n oorwinnaar is, al is dit net vir daardie oomblik. Veronique, mag jy NOU ervaar dat die Here jou HELD is wat verlossing skenk. Ek wens ek kon jou inwag in jou wonnstel en net vir jou koffie maak. Ek bid egter dat jy sal ervaar hoe die Here, jou HELD daar is by jou!!!

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  4. Halo Veronique, jy ken my nie maar ek het jou dierbare mams ontmoet in die kunsklasse wat sy bywoon hier in Betty’s Baai. Ek is Brindley se verloofde wat jou gegroet het die Sondag voor jy aangeval is.
    Ek wil jou bemoedig, jy moet al jou trane huil meisiekind. Ek is in 1 jaar 4 keer aangeval en elke keer biine-in die huis waar ek gebly het, ja verskillende huise in verskillende profinsies. Ek het myself nie toegelaat om tot onder in die put te gaan nie, en die oom wat my counseling hanteer het is saam met sy vrou wreed vermoor net n rukkie daarna. Ek moes dit in Israel hoor op dieselfde aand wat vriende baie naby aan ‘n bomontploffing was.
    Ja die lewe is n groot uitdaging veral vir die wat die vyand sien as ‘n probleem. Jy is ‘n probleemvir hom en dus ‘n baie groot ster in Abba se kroon. Huil asb al jou huile en raas en skree as jy moet, ek belowe jou jy sal beter voel met tyd. Maak gerus soos die Jode maak na ‘n bomaanval, hulle stroom actually na die plek van aanval in die daaropvolgende dae om die die vyand te wys dat hulle nie deur fear gerule sal word nie, en dat tereur nie hulle roetine sal verander nie. En hulle verklaar dit land en sand. Baie sterkte. Ek en Brindley bid elke dag vir jou. Liefde. Janine

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  5. Sjoe Veronique. Ons dink steeds baie aan jou en bid vir jou. Bogger die mense wat nie verstaan nie en doen net wat jy kan. Hy sal jou aanhou dra. Daar is nie ‘n maklike antwoord nie en dis ook ok 🙂 Lief vir jou!

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