Frustration

In a word: frustration.

Frustration because it was just a rock. Nothing “serious” happened. He threw a rock at my head, and it hit me hard and it hurt. So what?

Frustration because I wish I could just shrug it off. Because I can’t. Because even though my head is saying, “It was just a rock,” my soul feels like it was so much more than that.

Frustration because after a few good days, when I think I’m fine again and everything is back to normal, I have a day where I plummet back down to rock bottom and I feel like nothing will ever be right again. Frustration because when that happens, I feel as if nothing is working, as if the progress I’ve made is all gone. Because I feel like I should be able to move on. Because it was just a rock.

Frustration because even though UCT is being supportive and helpful, and even though I will still get my degree and hopefully still do Honours next year, I feel disconnected. I feel disconnected from my friends, from my fellow students.

Frustration because everyone around me is bustling and busy and finishing up, but I am in this weird, floaty space where no one else is with me. I am alone. Because of a stupid rock.

Frustration because even though I know this will pass, it hasn’t passed yet. And I want it to. And I am tired of being afraid. And of being tired. And of feeling depressed, randomly, without any kind of trigger.

Frustration because, really, there are bigger problems in the world. I should be able to have perspective. Kenya. Pakistan. Countless other horrors we don’t hear about. And I am here, feeling broken, because of a rock. Why can’t I push through and get a grip and get myself together? It was just a rock.

Frustration because I can write and type and talk about these things as much as I want, but it’s not going to go away until it’s ready to go away. And it isn’t ready yet. Soon, but not yet.

I just want to breathe again. To not have laughter be a rare occurrence. The irony is that I usually laugh my hardest when I hit my head on something, because I find it so comical, even if it hurts. I guess it’s different when something hits my head.

 

PS I have been blown away by your support and prayers – the number of phone calls, texts, and emails we have received are well over a hundred. Please know that we appreciate every single one and every prayer.

this will come back...I just wish it was now
this will come back…I just wish it was now

3 thoughts on “Frustration”

  1. I pray that your wounds will be healed, your fears assuaged, and your sense of The Lord walking at your side will grow ever more profound.

    A cup of tea, an hour of meditation, and your eyes once again turned Zionward, may not fulfil all your present needs, but it will help, I promise.

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  2. Thank you for your honesty; it is compelling. And so I pray for you, Veronique. Just had an image of your baptism in our hot tub those years ago; it made me smile. I am so grateful you are HIS and so grateful you cannot be but real. It is a gift to all of us.

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  3. Veronique, dankie dat jy dit met ons deel. Ek is trots op jou vir jou eerlikheid. Ek verstaan jou frustrasie, maar dis belangrik dat jy besef wat met jou gebeur het is ‘n uiting van dieselfde vyand wat die “groot” krisisse veroorsaak. Jou krisis is dus net so groot as die grootste krisis in die wêreld, net op ‘n ander vlak. Ons stryd IS nie teen vlees en bloed nie, maar teen die bose magte … Net so is ons oorwinning nie deur menslike krag nie, maar deur die krag van God.
    BAIE lief vir jou.
    Pappie

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