I’m Out of Creative Titles

Every time I think, “Now it’s over.” But then it isn’t. Yesterday, I walked the same route as I always used to. I walked from Upper campus to my flat. Two minutes after I started, I was in tears. Panicked. I ran into a friend, who walked me home. But I felt victory, because I did it. And then last night. Lethargy. Depression. It set in slowly, like mist settling on a mountain. And this morning. Stress. Feeling overwhelmed.

 

I want to give up. I want to go home. I want to go home for six months and not study or work or try and be strong or try and prove anything to anyone or try to show people that I can do this, that I’m not a quitter, that I can go on no matter what. I want to quit. I want to be that person who can just say, “You know what? I’m a mess and I’m exhausted and I’m especially exhausted from trying to show everyone how strong I am and trying to show myself that I’m fine and that I’ll be fine and that everything is fine. I’m out of here. See you when I see you.” I want to be that person. I want to give up. I want to quit and leave and not have to be here having to sort things out.

 

I know this is just an emotion. I know that it will pass. Yesterday was a good day on campus, my first day back in lectures. It was good. I felt fine. So I know that the reality is that everything is fine. God is in control.

 

But then there are these moments where I sit in my kitchen in the morning crying my eyeballs out wishing I could just freaking go home. And writing is the only thing that makes me calm down and feel better. Maybe I don’t have to post this on a public blog, but everyone keeps asking me how I am. THIS is how I am. I feel fine, and then suddenly I’m back three weeks and I feel broken and hopeless and like nothing will ever be right again. The fact that I know that this is just an emotion doesn’t help. It is what it is.

4 thoughts on “I’m Out of Creative Titles”

  1. Eish Veroniquekie- jammer vir jou. Hou net moed, dit sal verby gaan. Tyd is ‘n wonderlike ding. Lief vir jou.

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  2. Ok, so, ignoring the fact that I am stalking your blog like a creeper (it came up on my newsfeed, and your writing is really good), I just want to tell you that you are awesome. Seriously. Because it takes so much guts to be like ‘um, no, it sucked and I am scared and sad and that’s ok’, because, you know, it is ok. At the beginning of this year I had a freak-out, mental-break, panic-attack moment (which resulted in the realisation that I am somewhat OCD), and that was just because I had some teensy doubts about being back in Cape Town, which is a place in which I have all the love and support in the world. I know it’s not the same thing, but I can kind of relate. It sucked, and it sucked that I couldn’t get over it for what seemed like forever and it sucked that I could feel myself talking about not being ok over and over again and worrying that everyone was getting bored of me or that I was burdening them with my problems or whatever (even though everyone was so supportive and lovely). It was super hard. And then it was less hard. And then even less so. And, admittedly, I still sometimes feel the after effects, when I get that panicked feeling in my chest and I obsess over small things until I want to cry, but it is better. And that is pretty great. So, all I’m saying, is that you really don’t need to be ok, because you never know what might bring up really negative feelings or how things might affect you, I mean, sure, it was a rock, but that doesn’t mean that what you’re feeling isn’t every bit as legitimate as what I was feeling back then. And so, yes, I think you’re awesome, and I know that it will get better, you just have to give it time and muddle through the bits where you feel like you’re in a black hole of never getting better. K. Long, over-sharey, stalker-y comment over.

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