I realize that this is a somewhat unconventional Christmas post, but I hope you will be blessed in some way and perhaps be reminded of forgotten truths.
I ask myself why, since the incident on Main Road happened, I have struggled to delve back into my prayer life and into my relationship with God. I ask myself how I went from being diligent in my Bible reading and prayer and worship and just talking to Him…to being almost put off at the idea of reading my Bible. I always thought people who did this after some sort of crisis were weak or had a weak relationship with God, but in my case, neither of those things is true.
And now I begin to realize that it is because I am afraid. Accepting that it was a spiritual attack as well as physical scares me. Because if we believe God protects us, and yet also know that we are vulnerable to these kinds of things, that confused me. And I realize that despite always saying I believed the opposite, somewhere, somehow I began to believe that being a Christian = bad things won’t happen to you. I have said the opposite countless times; that being a Christian doesn’t guarantee you will be safe from harm. I thought I believed that, but after actually going through something like this, I realize I had a twisted version of the truth in my mind after all. Deep down, I thought that I could never get hurt.
The aftermath of what happened was really all the other issues that came crawling out of the woodwork of my past, my memories, my skeletons in the closet. I will say it now, because I can say it and know it is no longer true. I was in denial. About so many things. Instead of dealing with things head on, I ignored them and told myself it was fine. But it wasn’t. I was afraid, of everything; of life, of change, of so many things. It is easier to ignore things than to deal with them. And that deep, horrible fear came out like a beast that had been caged, and I had to – and still have to – fight it back. But I refuse to suppress it any longer. I refuse to ignore fear and let it fester and thrive in the background. I refuse to allow fear to ruin my relationship with God, to ruin the dreams He has given me for my future, to ruin me.
I love The Lord of the Rings, and I relate much more to the character Eowyn (princess of a kingdom who just wants to fight in the war and save her people despite everyone underestimating her) than I do to Arwen (Elf princess who sits around looking pretty and crying). I am a daughter of God, yes, and the Proverbs 31 woman is my role model…but I am also a warrior. Warriors are warriors for a reason. Warriors are not needed when things are peaceful. Warriors are needed for a war. For a battle. This is a battle. But the difference is, we already know who the ultimate victor is. We fight a winning battle, not a losing one.
The battle was won on a rugged cross in the desert over 2,000 years ago. Blood was spilt. A covenant was made. And when I was four years old, and again when I was twelve, I entered into that covenant, into that relationship with Jesus my Savior. The One who has overcome the darkness. It is because of His birth, death, and resurrection that I can sit here today and say all of these things. It is because of His birth, death, and resurrection that I am free. It is because of Him that I can say that I will overcome.
And so on this Christmas Eve, I thank my God for dying on the cross so that I may have life; abundant life here on earth, and eternal life with Him in heaven. And I thank Him for living a full life among us, for walking dusty roads and resisting temptations and feeling all that it means to be human, with all of our struggles and hardships and loneliness and sadness. I thank Him for giving up, for a brief time, the glory and perfection of heaven so that we might be, forever, truly free.
Merry Christmas, and may you experience a new revelation of who He is and of how great His love is for you.