Tonight I am reminded of a very significant day just before the beginning of my 9th grade year. I had more or less decided that I wasn’t going to do marching band – not because I didn’t want to, but because I thought I couldn’t, because I thought I would make a magnificent failure out of it. I based this on past experience, on knowing myself. On the first day of band camp, I was sitting in my room, feeling depressed and lonely, and I kept thinking, It’s good that I’m not there. I’m a failure. I fail at things.
I was listening to TobyMac, and then the song Momentum came on. Something about the song made my heart race and I suddenly felt determined. Despite being absolutely convinced that I would make a mess of things, that I would fail, and that they wouldn’t want me in the band, I was determined to do it. The next day I was there, already behind, but I was there. I did marching band for three years and it was one of the most difficult, most rewarding things I’ve ever done. Appropriately, the theme for that year’s show was “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” Most people in the band thought it was cheesy, but it had a lot of meaning for me.
Tonight, I feel like I am sitting with several messes on my hands. They are mostly academic. No, I haven’t technically failed anything – I haven’t dropped out or even come close to it. But I know that because of my choices in first and second year I’m not where I should be, and a large part of me wants to sit and feel sorry for myself and give up, because I know myself. I know my past. I am a failure. I fail at things. I can blame it on the guy who threw a rock at me, but I fell behind long before that happened. That was just another setback.
But despite everything, I am determined. I will go on. I’m stubborn and resolute and determined. I will not turn back; I will run even faster and break down the walls in my way with even more force. And I can say this not because of my own strength, but because I know that this is where God wants me, and that’s enough for me. And to the one I try never to speak to or negotiate with, I will say this: beware. You do not want to mess with a child of the King who has a fire in her heart and a sword in her hand. Your lies are like sticks poking an awakening giant. And I’m done with you. All that’s ahead is victory.