Authentically Afraid

Okay. In keeping with my “tagline” for life (attempt authenticity, if that was somehow unclear) I’m going to be real here. On April fool’s day, I posted a status saying that I had decided that I hated Greek and was going to drop out and do something else.

The thing is, it wasn’t entirely a joke. No, I don’t hate Greek…not at all. But in the past three weeks I have considered leaving and getting some job applications from various fast food restaurants, or joining the army, or moving to Israel. Because my fear of failure is as at all time high, and often it completely stops me from working at all. Which leads to being way behind. Which reinforces the idea that I’m a failure. Which makes me afraid of more failure. Rinse and repeat.

And the dumbest thing about this is that in the rational part of my mind, I know I can do this. I enjoy writing essays. Who the freak enjoys writing essays? When I’m not stressed out and drawing a blank because of performance anxiety, I can translate ancient Greek. I’m good at it in the comfort of my own home when no one is waiting for an on demand thing. I know I can do this. So why this intense, panicky fear? Why am I allowing it to seriously cripple me and put me way behind with my work?

This is some weird, regressive stupidness. I mean, this is 2nd year stuff. I’ve dealt with this. So why??

I don’t have an answer, and I don’t know how to fix it, because prayer and the things I normally do aren’t working. But this I know, even in my darkest moments: this is where God wants me, and He’s given me everything I need. So (forgive the cliche) come hell, or high water, or bad grades, or disappointment from lecturers, or whatever else, I will freaking push through. The army and McDonald’s will have to do without me.

-Signed, The Determined Africanstardust Who Is Really, Super Stubborn and Absolutely Refuses to Give Up, So Take That, Mr. Stupid Fear Stupidhead. Also I’m Very Mature When It Comes To These Things. So Mature. Yeah.

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